Jan, 15th/19.
With my experience after Chris's passing, "fight depression" was used as a go-to catch phrase. A means by some to tell me that I'm wrong, cruel and insensitive for expressing my beliefs. Chris Cornell not ending his own life by choice nor accident is one of those beliefs. Those who told me to "fight depression" were in actuality telling me to shut the hell up. They were not advocates for mental health, battling addiction and suicide awareness. Instead, they behaved and spoke in mannerisms dangerous to anyone struggling internally.
If anyone wants to talk, let's talk.
No BS. Anonymity respected.
Mental health is a measurement of a person’s psychological, social and emotional well-being. It affects the way people think, feel and act. Poor mental health may lead to mental illnesses such as anxiety and depression, but it may also affect physical health. People of every age can improve or maintain good mental health. - DrugWatch.
Everything I've expressed, and whatever I do express, is bound to offend someone. With anyone that held opposing views, I've always done my best to be considerate, understanding and respectful.
No one, including myself, is exempt from criticism. We all have right to question and express doubt.
I've been a fan of Soundgarden for over 14 years from Screaming Life/FOPP to Chris's Higher Truth. Chris Cornell, with his overall healthy productivity, was open about his past of substance abuse, alcoholism and depression while he proudly spoke of his long-term sobriety, a new Soundgarden album and his family.
That was not a man who would've taken his own life abruptly.
DISMISSAL OF THE OFFICAL RULING. . . (Two part forensic and circumstantial breakdown; published 2018)
A bit about me.
There's nothing in this world that sets my heart on fire like music does. I wouldn't be here if the art of music didn't exist. I type this out as I'm listening to the sensual bass line of "Kingdom of Ice" from The Filthy Tongues.
Whatever the era though, there are requirements: unique and expressive lyricism, beautiful instrumental delivery and a strong voice to pull me in.
I've held thousands of artists I admire on a high pedestal, sometimes dangerously getting absorbed into the aura of them. The persona. The starry-eyed admiration I carried ceased as I grew older into adulthood, being heavily inspired to create and master the craft of my own art. Clearly, those that I'm in awe of, are also human. Human beings who've grown, triumphed, failed and made mistakes. Lived through within the pits of hell and back.
Chris Cornell in particular was a human being.
I've been shrouded with depression many times from being extremely timid as kid, not making a lot of friends and being a bit below average academically. Teenage rebellion was a culprit too but, I wasn't medically diagnosed with depression or prescribed medications, though, my mother told me she'd given me something to keep me still and quiet at school. As a child in kindergarten, I had a lot of energy that was a bit to much for the teachers. They recommended Ritalin for my supposed ADHD, but I ended up being a mindless zombie (as I was told) in the classroom from the drug. Mom freaked out and she immediately took me off the central nervous system stimulant since.
Besides that, I never abused drugs nor contemplated suicide though once in a while, I felt negatively affected. This was usually from my mind drifting back into uncomfortable situations, people in my presence I did not like and grossly absorbing their bad vibrations. I was a human sponge out of being overly sensitive. To alleviate those grotesque feelings, I'd fantasize being radiant of dazzling confidence to speak my mind and to act accordingly.
Instantly in the moment.
Currently, it's been easier in my adulthood to not feel disheartened, to not feel bound to the concrete for so long. Most importantly, I would never compare my experiences with anyone else's and nor should anyone vise versa. "Measuring" or making baseless judgements on who "qualifies" for going through mental instabilities. Going through depression.
Mental illnesses are medical conditions involving changes in behavior, thinking or emotions that interfere with a person’s ability to do daily tasks or care for themselves. . ."
Depression, also known as clinical depression or major depressive disorder, is a mood disorder that causes intense sadness lasting at least two weeks or more. It can interfere with a person’s ability to function and perform daily tasks. . . - DrugWatch.
We all should be treated, if need be, strictly on our individual circumstances. Not be thrown into mere categories nor "diagnosed" in absentia.
Rowing through this life for each and every one of us is unique and complex.
SOUNDGARDEN: ROWING.
A devastating loss.
The death of Chris struck me harder than any loss of a person I've known in my life. The tears I wept and the sadness I still feel for him are real.
As if he were family.
There were times though where I felt bit foolish and I thought to myself, "I'm just a fan", a spectator of a brilliant musician I didn't know personally, but was so up close to him that previous year during his tour of Higher Truth. The curious sweet look he gave me at the Jack Singer Concert Hall. Our birthdays within the same week of July. I'd occasionally wonder if my reaction to his death would've been the same if I didn't see him live at all.
His three children, close family and friends I can only imagine suffered the loss greatly than the loss I felt. With Chris's death, I realized he had profound influences on me, mirroring what I knew intuitively as I quickly pulled away from my acceptance of his reported "suicide."
I lost one friend to suicide 13 years ago that shocked me. A friend from junior high school dead by her own hands was nothing I've ever dealt with before. I've had a few family members die all due to old age and illnesses. I had no close relationship with most of them as they remained in Ghana, my mom and dad landed in Canada before I and my brother were born.
Death is a part of life where my fears of it eased over time.
Elements for advocacy.
Until recently, I've never fully thought about mental health issues, focusing more on myself and how I can improve in various ways. Though, that was first step!
To be compassionate, to be genuine without abandoning your own inner peace, can save another person's life. Offering unconditional support whenever possible.
Bryan Gibson, (toured with Chris during Higher Truth and Songbook) I found launched a fundraiser last year before Chris's birthday; Sunshower: A MusiCares Fundraiser. From there, I decided to make a donation of $100 on July, 20th/18 which would've been Chris's 54th birthday. Putting in a donation eased my heart a bit, knowing my tiny contribution would assist fellow musicians in anguish and help getting them their basic needs. Knowing I could focus more on something beneficial, helping me heal the lingering pain I carried from Chris's passing.
MusiCares provides a safety net of critical assistance for music people in times of need... treating each case with integrity and confidentiality. MusiCares
Months after Bryan launched his fundraiser, I developed interest into local organizations offering services for mental wellbeing. One organization I found here in Calgary called Elements I plan to volunteer at.
Becoming more aware, more involved, helped me immensely in so many different ways.
Chris himself I discovered was involved with MusiCares; CHRIS CORNELL Talks About His Battle With Addiction published in 2007.
Beauty and truth collide
Where love meets genocide
Where laughter meets fear
Confusion all around
And as I try to feed these mouths
That have never known singing
And before I let one more tear hit the ground
I will be the one standing between you and the sound. - The Keeper.
Chris wrote "The Keeper" for the film Machine Gun Preacher. Money raised from the song benefited the non-for-profit charity Angels of East Africa. The charity dedicated to rescuing children from war, rebuilding shelter, helping with access to clean water, food, providing health and education.
The Hollywood take on Sam Childers's life pulls you into the chaos as expected, a great film where I first learned of Sam founding the charity.
From that, I've committed to a $20 monthly donation to Angels of East Africa, adding the charity to my folder of organizations I plan to lend support to on a greater scale.
"They're acting like you'd see my children in a photograph, smiling and being kids. That really influenced the writing of the individual song more than anything." -Chris Cornell; SONGFACTS.
I also saw clearly that Chris was passionate about helping children.
This is a reason, among many reasons, why I don't believe Chris permanently left this world by his choice. Promoting what he stood for seems to be overshadowed by some in the limelight, merely expressing platitudes of "how great he was" as if I didn't know that already.
I've also not heard anybody acknowledge Chris's long-term sobriety, or anything positive (aside from "how great he was") from the year he had died.
Then there's "The Promise." What promise is being kept? Keeping Chris's memory alive with supporting his beautiful foundation for helping the world's most vulnerable children? Unfortunately, the seemingly fraudulent activity that took place within the charity (Chris and Vicky Cornell Foundation) and likely without Chris's knowledge, tainted the foundation's humane purposes in my eyes.
. . . Make a promise if you can
You know You’ll only break it
Make a promise if you dare
Go on right ahead And let’s see where it gets you . . . Higher Truth.
To advocate for mental health, you must be actively involved! Initially, have conversations openly and honestly without restrictions. It's never enough to simply declare to "end the stigma", "fight depression" or name drop organizations. The value in advocacy is in action.
Unfortunately, not everyone can be saved. It's a brutal reality we're not always meant to accept or understand.
We can all listen, have honest dialogue, educate ourselves, educate others, and most importantly, have compassion.
All within our personal capacities to do so.
Chris Cornell: NOT BY SUICIDE.
To make it absolutely clear with this post, including what I've published previously, I do not subscribe to "conspiracy theories", rumours or deep dives into the personal lives anyone famous. Everyone's privacy should be respected. I've only discussed and refuted information released to the public.
I do not entertain absurdities. It was only with Chris's death I've crossed boundaries I didn't feel I had any business going into. Feeling uneasy, heavily emotional and obsessive of the case but hell, I didn't care! I desperately wanted to know what happened to him. Who killed him.
For what reason?
What's highly suspect was the apparent mishandled funds of his foundation. (The Chris & Vicky Cornell Foundation) I do believe fraud took place within the charity. Possible marital problems, a possible divorce, contracts, certain people around him with much to gain from his death, long-term antagonism towards him or a physical confrontation, in the heat of the moment, that lead to drastic measures in the end.
Chris's death, with most certainty, was not by suicide.
The information presented to the public did not add up to a legitimate suicide. The claims solely from Vicky Karayiannis are of a supposed relapse from prescription medications; specifically "Ativan." Ultimately, this lead to Chris allegedly ending his own life. Vicky's claims were not supported by the toxicology and post-mortem reports released thereafter.
Here are two examples of Vicky's several stories (criticisms I published of the articles) published by Alternative Nation in 2018 that are highly questionable.
- #NOMOREBULLSHIT article#1: “February 10th, 2018: CHRIS CORNELL’S WIDOW REACTS TO SUICIDE NOTE . . .
In the wake of Chris's death, I've come to know a bit about Vicky. Again, my personal dislike of Vicky were based on her stories of Chris's passing she's openly shared with fans. Also, a few of her interactions with others and her behaviour she displayed publicly since.
I'll continue to stress that I do not know Vicky deeply on a personal level and I do not encourage ill intent her way.
Matt Cameron, Kim Thayil and Ben Shepard are one of the additional reasons why I wholeheartedly reject the suicide narrative. Matt, Kim and Ben have never explicitly corroborated Vicky's stories of Chris's supposed relapse and prescription drug abuse.
Where is anybody to say explicitly Chris fell of the wagon? Besides his widow? Where is the medical documentation to prove he fell off the wagon and abused drugs? All from Soundgarden's last show, the stories (changing frequently) contained several problems that I couldn't accept as the truth, thus deeming me insensitive.
Also Matt, Kim and Ben to the best of my knowledge have yet to publicly speak on the nature of Chris's death, what was going on with Chris before and during his time on stage that final night, Chris's visible head injury and the band's whereabouts when Chris had died.
There are two different stories published a year apart that touch upon the whereabouts of Matt, Kim and Ben on Soundgarden's last show. From the very beginning (in my strong opinion) it seemed that the three of them wanted to distance themselves from Chris's abrupt death.
I believe they knew exactly what was going on with Chris and knew of his death well before the rest of world got the news.
. . . "The group were whisked off together to the MGM Grand Hotel in a mini-bus."
. . . "The guards, who were dressed in blue, accompanied the band to the hotel and they arrived within minutes."
. . . "His fellow band members have helped police by agreeing to be interviewed, but are 'reeling' at their friend's suicide." -The Daily Mail, (Published May, 18th/17)
THEN,
"Thayil and other Soundgarden members were already en route to Columbus for the band's next date when they got word that Cornell had died back in his Detroit hotel room." -Detroit Free Press, (Published, Oct, 25th/2018.)
". . . BLACK DAYS."
"Fell On Black Days," "The Day I Tried Live" "Just Like Suicide", "Pretty Noose," "Worried Moon," or any other songs that carry dark undertones (beautifully dark) have me, as I'm sure it's similar with other fans, immersing into the lyrical story telling, rocking out, and healing through the shit life gives us.
"It's about trying to step out of being patterned and closed off and reclusive, which I've always had a problem with. It's about attempting to be normal and just go out and be around other people and hang out. I have a tendency to sometimes be pretty closed off and not see people for long periods of time and not call anyone. It's actually, in a way, a hopeful song. Especially the lines "One more time around/Might get it," which is basically saying, 'I tried today to understand and belong and get along with other people, and I failed, but I'll probably try again tomorrow.' A lot of people misinterpreted that song as a suicide-note song. Taking the word live too literally. "The Day I Tried to Live" means more like the day I actually tried to open up myself and experience everything that's going on around me as opposed to blowing it all off and hiding in a cave." - Chris Cornell in 1994; Rolling Stone: under, Is “The Day I Tried to Live” on Superunknown a heroin song?
" You don't know what drives somebody to do that, but if I ever committed suicide, I would do it in a way that meant no one ever knew that it was suicide - because to me, the biggest fear of killing myself would be what it would do to my friends and family." "If things are fucked enough that I want to kill myself, the last thing I want to do is go out and really fucking hurt a bunch of other people." - Chris Cornell in 1994 on Kurt Cobain's death; Tales from the Crypt! 55th paragraph.
*Read the entirety of the articles linked.*
“If I think about the evolution of my life as it appears in songs for example, Higher Truth is a great example of a record I wouldn’t have been able to write, and part of that is in essence because there was a period of time there where I didn’t expect to be here. . .,”
“And now not only do I expect to be here, and I’m not going anywhere, but I’ve had the last 12 years of my life being free of substances to kind of figure out who the substance-free guy is, because he’s a different guy. Just by brain chemistry, it can’t be avoided. I’m not the same, I don’t think the same, I don’t react the same. And my outlook isn’t necessarily the same. My creative endeavors aren’t necessarily the same. And one of the great things about that is it enabled me to kind of keep going artistically and find new places and shine the light into new corners where I hadn’t really gone before. And that feels really good.” - Chris Cornell; 2015. The Life & Times of Chris Cornell (Link provided is to a Wikipedia page with Chris's many quotes. Rolling Stone Australia; The The Life & Times of Chris Cornell, an article from which the quote is from an interview Chris had with the publication, is no longer available. What Chris Cornell Has Said About Depression and Addiction published May, 18th/17 is another source of the quote.
"What ends up happening with musicians and actors is, they're famous, so when somebody has an issue, it's something that gets talked about,"
"People die of drug overdoses every day that nobody talks about. It's a shame that famous people get all the focus, because it then gets glorified a little bit, like, 'This person was too sensitive for the world,' and, 'A light twice as bright lives half as long,' and all that. Which is all bulls---. It's not true." Chris Cornell; 2016. Chris Cornell talks about his latest reinvention, living in Florida *4th to the last paragraph.
*Read the entirety of the articles linked.*
"Heavy" or "dark" songs shouldn't be used as confirmation of Chris's supposed suicide, nor focusing heavily on his past addictions with drugs and alcohol should be a determining factor either. Though, I do believe particular songs from Higher Truth were reflective of Chris's experiences within the last years of his life, a desire to live his life despite whatever difficulties he'd gone through.
"Josephine" and "Murderer of Blue Skies."
Later explained further here.
With that, I nor anyone else can claim to know any artist for who they really are, what goes on in their head or within their personal lives merely from lyrics written. We naturally, and are allowed, to assume, interpret or go by whatever likely possibilities but, never truly knowing unless there's a significant relationship with the person.
Depending on how open artists are with their life and their body of work, you get a tiny glimpse of who they are.
Without considering all reasonable angles to the circumstances, I find it extremely irresponsible to use the complexities of mental illnesses and conjecture to conclude an abrupt death as a suicide. Of coarse, we're not always going to know why people choose to end their own lives despite their precieved joy and fulfillment. Again, if we are to "end the stigma," nothing should be barred (within reason) nor should there be immediate dismissal of reasonable doubt.
This is what I believe with my whole heart the case with Chris Cornell.
His name was never explicitly mentioned in relation to drugs or any mental disconnect (with the exception of Vicky's claims) as the direct cause of his death. Find and observe any interviews or statements made from his family, (if any) the remaining members of Soundgarden, Tom Morello, Eddie Vedder or anyone else who jammed with Chris and knew him deeply.
All I've heard and read from other musicians, including medical professionals, were platitudes riddled with vagueness.
It's only when speaking of Chris's alcohol and drug abuse, particularly oxycontin, decades ago that online articles from the mainstream are hyperfocused on his past history of addiction, repeating only what Vicky claims that allegedly lead to Chris's death. Also to my frustration, some of those news articles finished off with suicide prevention hotlines.
The details that conclude Chris's "suicide" from depression and prescription medication is pure conjecture.
MENTAL HEALTH: DEFLECTION & MISUSE.
Mental health issues are sometimes used as a deflection. "Mental health" used to ignore the elephant in the room.
Then there're those who pretend to have a diagnostic mental disorder; bad actors seeking clout.
Also, our feelings, emotions that are naturally part of our human existence and growth, have far to many "prescription medications" for. A "disorder" for.
A whole other discussion.
Some may argue that my stance is of denial and shifting blame.
While I understand so, I wholeheartedly believe my reasons to be fair at least for an honest conversation. Like I mentioned earlier in this post, if anyone wants to talk, let talk.
Let's speak. OCCASIONAL-RAIN@PROTONMAIL.COM
Anonymity respected.
The oddities in Chris's death and what I've witnessed to be utter lies, have been detrimental to my own mental wellbeing. Our culture today more than ever encourages us to be open, honest and be in a comfortable space to discuss triggering matters. But does purposely overlooking relevant questions and concerns within the realms of mental anguish exacerbate the problem? Not being truthful, not acknowledging those questions and concerns and just pretending crucial elements don't exist?
"You just don't know!"
"You don't know him."
These are common responses to my sentiments in addition to anecdotes of:
"I've been on (insert drug) and it did/cause me to (insert side effects/reaction/physical/mental action)
and
"my friend/family member died had (insert mental disorder/comorbidities)
and
I'm a (insert medical profession) and I know/treated people on/who had (insert drug/mental disorder)
This is not meant to dismiss nor mock anyone's medical, physical or mental conditions. Certainly, we can relate our experiences with one another and share what we know.
However, they still remain anecdotes.
We all respond and react to things differently.
Anecdotal evidence doesn't show nor tell me Chris Cornell suffered a relapse with "Ativan" that lead him to allegedly "end his own life". And just because no one significant to Chris, besides Vicky Karayiannis, have publicly confirmed the narrative that resulted in Chris allegedly "ending his own life" with his supposed relapse, doesn't invalidate what I believe outside of that narrative.
Debates from perspectives outside of one's mental state of mind, whether or not "depression" or a "history of drugs" was a result of one's supposed choice to depart from this world, can go on for eternity.
HIGHER TRUTH: A CONVERSATION.
Picture I took of Chris. @Jack Singer Concert Hall. Calgary, AB. Sunday, July 24th/16.
Higher Truth expresses vulnerability, family, love, conflict and betrayal, all through Chris's beautiful voice.
Songs that also express triumph and values life.
When I saw Chris in Calgary 3 years ago, I remember him saying, ". . .the song was unfinished." and ". . . my wife really liked it, so I finished it." before sweetly working into "Josephine." After Chris died, I watched several uploaded videos from the Higher Truth tour where he briefly explained the origins of a few songs before singing them. "Josephine" especially. He even explained the presence of that red telephone! Now I know it belonged to Jeff Buckley!
Cameron Crowe, you know, the guy who wrote and directed "Singles", speaks and with Chris and inquires of the inspirations and meanings of particular songs from Higher Truth.
I personally listened to their conversation here: HIGHER TRUTH: A conversation with Chris Cornell & Cameron Crowe.
Higher Truth, especially after Chris's death, is among one of many resources that are actually helpful in ending the stigma.
EMPRESS JOSEPHINE & THE MURDERER OF BLUE SKIES.
The characteristics attributed to Vicky are from her publicized statements, behaviours, her likely untruthfulness and lack of morals she's displayed after Chris's death. Also, her apparent lack of love and compassion during the final years of her marriage to Chris.
Even though I've expressed personal criticisms of Vicky previously here, based on what I've heard and saw directly from her after Chris's death, I do not know Vicky Karayiannis deeply as a person.
While there are strong indications of toxicity from Vicky, they still are speculative.
I do not encourage ill intent her way.
There's a significant reason why Chris titled the song "Josephine" for Higher Truth from his original title "Vicky," when he first met Vicky in Paris.
Some may find this as mere speculation and confirmation bias, but aside from Chris's own words to Cameron, there's been strong implications of dishonesty from Vicky, (the first 5 posts I've published here touch on Vicky's incessant duplicity) marital issues and Chris's alleged plans to divorce Vicky.
Apparently, they were separated in 2016.
The same night I saw Chris live in Calgary.
"Josephine", born Marie-Joseph Rose de Tascher de la Pagerie on June, 23rd 1763, was the first wife of General Napoleon Bonaparte. "Rose" as she was called before her marriage to Napoleon, had similarities to what is known negatively of Vicky Karayiannis, what I've seen Vicky is particularly accused of; recognition and personal financial gain.
". . . When she was 10 years old, she was sent to the Dames-de-la-providence convent in Fort-de-France, where she received an education that made her a suitable match for the son of a rich family. Indeed, such an alliance would have put an end to her family’s financial problems." - Life before Bonaparte: tossed by the waves of fortune: 1. Growing up miles from the centre of sophistication
Napoleon, nicknamed Rose "Josephine" - " . . . In the autumn of 1795, she met a promising young general, Napoleon Bonaparte. He fell head over heels in love with her and did not hesitate in giving her the nickname Josephine; she, on the other hand, did not seem to be so keen, as she was six years older than him and was already the mother of two children. Nonetheless, the two of them were matched in ambition. Whilst Josephine introduced the young general to high society, Napoleon for his part brought Josephine prestige via his growing reputation and financial security in his family." - Life before Bonaparte: tossed by the waves of fortune: 4. A woman of the Ancien Régime, perfectly adapted to the new age
"This song is called "Josephine". . . I wrote this for my wife about 13 years ago, finished it about a year ago."
- Peoria Civic Center Theater : Peoria, IL : 7/11/2016
Chris alone, I believe, was moved and inspired by Napoleon, immersed in the history of the General and his older wife. "the stories of the sacrifices that he, (Napoleon) would make and how it was so moving to her. (Vicky) "That name (Josephine) became Vicky's name in the song." - Josephine - Behind the song. It's very telling that just like Napoleon, Chris gave, or rather nicknamed Vicky, Josephine.
Considering some of Josephine's unflattering qualities, I doubt Vicky knew specifically the history and relationship between General Napoleon and Empress Josephine, which Chris does not mention to Cameron specifically that Vicky was moved by Napoleon's sacrifices to Josephine; his love for Josephine.
I highly doubt any honest woman would want to be compared to Josephine given the history.
“In choosing her lovers [Joséphine] followed her head first, then her heart”, meaning that she was adept in terms of identifying the men who were most capable of fulfilling her financial and social needs. She was not unaware of Napoleon's potential. Joséphine was a renowned spendthrift." -https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empress_Jos%C3%A9phine Biographer Carolly Erickson: Josephine: A Life of the Empress (1980)
So why exactly did Chris title the song "Josephine?"
As romantic Chris sang "Josephine", the way he serenaded his wife on stage, the song dedicated to her with genuine love, have dark undertones. Parallels to what Napoleon went through revealed in his love letters to his Josephine.
Josephine and Napoleon's relationship from the beginning of their union was tempestuous. "Napoleon and Josephine were both strong characters, and this rendered their relationship, even in the early days, quite stormy." - 1. Two fierce personalities
PARALLELS TO JOSEPHINE.
Josephine, where could you be now
again the sun is rising on my troubled heart
don't deny you know
you and I
are the making of what fate
just can't pull apart
my sweet Josephine
won't you come and marry me
I got every kind of love
that you will ever need
dying here on bended knees
sheets of rain
cold and grey
run down the page
as I write your name
with just the weight
of silence now
crashing all around me
while I scream it out loud
my sweet Josephine
won't you come and marry me
I got every kind of love
that you will ever need
dying here on bended knees
like a raven in a cage
the blood of my birth
just won't wash away
like a stitched together doll
my feet to the flame as I fall on the blade
for someone else's pain
for someone else's pain
rivers of black ink flood
the tapestry of flesh and blood
around my frame
a living shrine
just for you if you'll be mine
a golden band
upon you hand
and leave this endless winter behind
my sweet Josephine
won't you come and marry me
I got every kind of love
that you will ever need
dying here on bended knees
dying here on bended knees
dying here on bended knees
my Josephine
"Josephine" resembles a letter written to Vicky, much like how Napoleon wrote his letters to his Josephine. The opening of the song introduces that she, "Josephine," is absent. Her absence, however, is for long periods of time. The writer is expressing his uneasiness to her in his letter not for the first time.
Josephine, where could you be now
again the sun is rising on my troubled heart
He wrote to her multiple times,(sheets of rain, cold and grey, run down the page as I write your name) though, without her responses to his letters, continued to hurt him. With just the weight of your silence now, crashing all around me while I scream it out loud. . . emphasizes "Josephine! Where are you? Why don't I hear from you? It's driving me mad! Josephine!"
sheets of rain
cold and grey
run down the page
as I write your name
with just the weight
of silence now
crashing all around me
while I scream it out loud
Similarly, while Napoleon was away for long periods of time during his military campaigns, (Josephine was hesitant to join him as she preferred the social scene in Paris.- 1. Two fierce personalities) expressed his displeasure to Josephine not responding to his love letters. Also, his displeasure for her laconic replies.
"Josephine, how can you remain so long without writing to me; your last laconic letter is dated May 22. Moreover, it is a distressing one for me, but I always keep it in my pocket; your portrait and letters are perpetually before my eyes." - To Josephine. No. 7. Tortona, Noon, June 15th. NAPOLEON'S LETTERS TO JOSEPHINE 1796-1812 - HENRY FOLJAMBE HALL.
"For a month I have only received from my dear love two letters of three lines each. Is she so busy, that writing to her dear love is not then needful for her, nor, consequently, thinking about him? To live without thinking of Josephine would be death and annihilation to your husband. Your image gilds my fancies, and enlivens the black and sombre picture of melancholy and grief. A day perhaps may come in which I shall see you, for I doubt not you will be still at Paris, and verily on that day I will show you my pockets stuffed with letters that I have not sent you because they are too foolish (bête). Yes, that's the word. Good heavens! tell me, you who know so well how to make others love you without being in love yourself, do you know how to cure me of love??? I will give a good price for that remedy." - To Josephine. No. 8. Pistoia, Tuscany, June 26th. NAPOLEON'S LETTERS TO JOSEPHINE 1796-1812 - HENRY FOLJAMBE HALL.
While reading through Napoleon's love letters to Josephine, I noticed Chris picked up on how Napoleon spoke in his letters; with my Josephine specifically. Napoleon referred to himself and his wife in the 3rd person several times. Despite the melancholy he expressed, and at moments, distaste for Josephine, he'd eventually end his letters with forgiveness, affection, millions of kisses and requests for her to write back to him frequently.
Her letters also to be more than ". . .three lines. . . "
In turn, this is similar to the chorus of "Josephine." Additionally, a nod to Napoleon deeply in love with Josephine, as I'm sure Chris was with his second wife to be. Harbouring so much love for her and that they can be happy.
my sweet Josephine
won't you come and marry me
I got every kind of love
that you will ever need
dying here on bended knees
"My Dear,—I write very often and you seldom. You are naughty, and undutiful; very undutiful, as well as thoughtless. It is disloyal to deceive a poor husband, an affectionate lover. Ought he to lose his rights because he is far away, up to the neck in business, worries and anxiety. Without his Josephine, without the assurance of her love, what in the wide world remains for him. What will he do?"
" . . . Adieu, charming Josephine; one of these nights the door will be burst open with a bang, as if by a jealous husband, and in a moment I shall be in your arms.
A thousand affectionate kisses." - To Josephine, at Milan. No. 12. Verona, September 17, 1796. NAPOLEON'S LETTERS TO JOSEPHINE 1796-1812 - HENRY FOLJAMBE HALL.
"I don't love you an atom; on the contrary, I detest you. You are a good for nothing, very ungraceful, very tactless, very tatterdemalion. You never write to me; you don't care for your husband; you know the pleasure your letters give him, and you write him barely half-a-dozen lines, thrown off anyhow.
How, then, do you spend the livelong day, madam? What business of such importance robs you of the time to write to your very kind lover? What inclination stifles and alienates love, the affectionate and unvarying love which you promised me? Who may this paragon be, this new lover who engrosses all your time, is master of your days, and prevents you from concerning yourself about your husband? Josephine, be vigilant; one fine night the doors will be broken in, and I shall be before you.
Truly, my dear, I am uneasy at getting no news from you. Write me four pages immediately, and some of those charming remarks which fill my heart with the pleasures of imagination.
I hope that before long I shall clasp you in my arms, and cover you with a million kisses as burning as if under the equator." - To Josephine, at Milan. No. 16. Verona, November 23, 1796. NAPOLEON'S LETTERS TO JOSEPHINE 1796-1812 - HENRY FOLJAMBE HALL.
like a raven in a cage
the blood of my birth
just won't wash away
like a stitched together doll
my feet to the flame as I fall on the blade
for someone else's pain. . . represents the writer's painful sacrifices for love and the difficulties in a relationship. Again, similar to General Napoleon away at war, rendered him weary and physically sick at times. He would explain often in his letters to Josephine the triumphs and perils of his battles.
". . . We have made six hundred prisoners, and have taken three pieces of cannon. General Brune got seven bullets in his clothes, without being touched by one of them—this is what it is to be lucky.
I give you a thousand kisses. I am very well. We have had only ten men killed, and a hundred wounded." - To Josephine, at Milan. No. 20. Verona, January 12, 1797.
rivers of black ink flood
the tapestry of flesh and blood
around my frame
a living shrine
just for you if you'll be mine
a golden band
upon you hand
and leave this endless winter behind
my sweet Josephine
won't you come and marry me
I got every kind of love
that you will ever need
dying here on bended knees
dying here on bended knees
dying here on bended knees
my Josephine
Rivers of black in flood. . . reflects time long passed of communication seldom returned, in a relationship that's not always flawless represented in his letters to her. the tapestry of flesh and blood around my frame. . . is the result of the writer's lone sacrifices in the relationship and , a living shrine, just for you if you'll be mine. . . offers "Josephine" a showering of beautiful things if she'll be with him in marriage, and a willingness of the writer to forgive and move pass the pain of their relationship with, a golden band upon your hand, and leave this endless winter behind. . .
Dying here on bended knees, repeated towards the end of the song represents a painful desperation, pleading for "Josephine" to show him she reflects the abundant love he gives her. To reassure him and for her remedies of compassion and loyalty to alleviate his troubled heart.
Touching on the characteristics of Vicky Karayiannis, I personally believe she's materialistic. Like Josephine, I believe Vicky's interests were greatly focused on prestige and money. Again, Josephine was known as a spendthrift with little interest in Napoleon before and after their marriage. Well documented that Josephine did take advantage of her General husband's status.
In comparison, this is something Chris may have dealt with for while up until his abrupt death. Allegations of his wife mishandling funds from his foundation is a prime example. With the burdens Chris likely endured in his marriage, he may have wanted to salvage the relationship. Or perhaps, like Napoleon, was swayed by his wife's charm.
Josephine spent a great deal of money maintaining her high place in society and putting herself at the forefront of fashion, which resulted in yet more friction between herself and Napoleon when he saw the bills… But Josephine’s charm was always effective in deflecting her husband’s frustrations: he even acknowledged ‘I win battles, but Josephine wins hearts.’ - 2. From general’s wife to Empress Josephine: fashion and the arts used as a show of power and splendour
MURDERER OF BLUE SKIES.
. . . now the truth will set you free
but all you had was lying in you
so you build a cage for me
all the while pretending to be
a living saint with a thorny crown
and me condemned to be your clown
i applaud you as you take a bow. . .
This explicit part in the song, never failing to break my heart a bit, shares his pain from the incessant lies and emotional abuse likely inflicted by her.
It's quite telling "Murderer of Blue Skies" follows after his courtly, yet sombre "Josephine."
"You know, I guess in a sense I'm imagining a character and some of it is autobiographical and some of it isn't but it's the-I think being. . . for example. . . a sensitive kid who grows up kind of in the world of sort of adult relationships. . my tendencies always been to kind of allow myself to. . accept responsibly for everything in some weird passive aggressive way like it's all my fault. . . and I think that's what this song is. . . "
". . . and there's a promise in there right away there's. . there's. . a naivety there's a 'you said everything would be awesome, you said you won't regret it you know just. . come into my world forever and. . and it'll be the best thing you ever did. . . ' " - Murderer of Blue Skies - Behind the song.
Listening to Chris explain the meaning behind "Murderer of Blue Skies" revealed an apparent conflict of his thoughts, in my strong opinion, with his admission of " . . .some of it is autobiographical and some of it isn't. . .." The song no doubt came from sensitive place, bad experiences and her toxicity he's lived with and tolerated for too long.
Chris also shared that he, or "the character" in his song, was seemingly a victim of perpetual gaslighting.
" . . . my tendencies always been to kind of allow myself to. . accept responsibly for everything in some weird passive aggressive way like it's all my fault. . ."
At the beginning of the song, her promises were eventually broken.
you flew in on the wind
was the day that i won't forget
told me to let you in
and that i would not regret it
but you had a touch as cold as rain
and all at once the weather changed
murder of blue skies
and i can't wait
to never be with you again
i can't wait
to lead a life that you're not in
and i won't break
though i may bend
from time to time
i can't wait to never be with you again. . .
"Murderer of Blue Skies" is a revelation, a desire to leave a dreadful person and a liar.
Continually after Chris's death, Vicky's grieving was performative. An alleged email of admission from Chris of his alleged relapse to her supposed quest for answers and appeals to emotion.
Her likely deceitfulness.
". . . now the truth will set you free, but all you had was lying in you, so you build a cage for me, all the while pretending to be, a living saint with a thorny crown, and me condemned to be your clown. . ".
Despite the torment, he was determined to take back his life with his strength, vulnerability and flaws. To take ownership of his life again without her in it.
A beautiful desire to live.
Murderer of Blue Skies is one of the most empowering songs for anyone
to rid themselves of unnecessary people.
In time.
There's certainly more to Chris's death than what was presented. Of course while I acknowledge and understand so, the entire truth behind Chris's death will probably never be revealed. However, I do believe only time will tell and in many other ways, the truth did reveal itself.
From the look I saw in his eyes, at moments, from the final night of his life on stage were of a man long determined to break free from all that ailed him.
He was done.
Hence,
". . . Come let’s sit in the sun Feel the world spin around As the birds fly overhead Can’t you hear the waves Can’t you feel the rain As it falls upon your face. . ." - Higher Truth.